You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
