I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
