I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
