Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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