i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
