His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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