Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
