He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
