careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
