I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
