Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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