i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
