Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
