Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
