If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
