Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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