What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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