if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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