We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
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I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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