Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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