I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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