I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
