there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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