just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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