eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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