Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
