I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The Olympian is in my bed
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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