I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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