apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
