Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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