this beer tastes like vomit already
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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