I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
