wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
