You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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