if you like me you must not know who I am
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
