I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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