GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
