I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
