You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
