I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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