oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
