I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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