Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
