my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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