ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
