I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
