Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
