chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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