we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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