what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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