mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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