She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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