the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
